笑话是幽默的载体，一个成功的笑话能流传千古，听者和讲者都会感到快乐、欣喜，拍掌叫好！
When we work evenings .we often order take-out food at the night we all gave our orders to Sharon, who wrote the selections on a self-stick note. Unable to find our list when she arrived at the fastfood restaurant, Sharon stepped up to the counter. But before she could speak, the cashier recited the exact order. " How could you possibly know that?"asked Sharon.
在我晚上上夜班的办公室，大家常常订些外卖食品来吃。一天夜里，我们都找沙伦订了食品。她把订单列在一张不干胶的纸条上。等她到了饭店时，怎么也找不到那张订单了。沙伦走到柜台前，还没等她说话，收银员就背出了所有大家订的东西。沙伦问：“你怎么会知道这些的呢？”
"Tt's right there," replied the cashier,"stuck to your chest."
“它就在这儿，”收银页说：“贴在了你的胸前。”
two brothers were looking at some beautiful paintings.
兄弟俩在看一些漂亮的油画。
"look," said the elder brother. "how nice these paintings are!"
“看，”哥哥说，“这些画多漂亮呀！”
"yes," said the younger, "but in all these paintings there is only the mother and the children. where is the father?"
“是啊，”弟弟说道，“可是在所有这些画中，只有妈妈和孩子。那爸爸去哪儿了呢？”
the elder brother thought for a moment and then explained, "obviously he was painting the pictures."
哥哥想了一会儿，然后解释道：“很明显，他当时正在画这些画呗。”
Whos More Polite?
A fat man and a skinny man were arguing about who was the more polite. The skinny man said he was more polite because he always tipped his hat to ladies. But the fat man knew he was more courteous because, whenever he got up and offered his seat, two ladies could sit down.
谁更有礼貌？
一个胖子和一个瘦子在争论谁更有礼貌。瘦子说他更有礼貌，因为他经常对女士摘帽示意。但是胖子认为他更有风度，因为无论什么时候他在车上给别人让座时，总有两位女士能坐下。
Reasons
理由
One early morning a mother went to her sleeping son and woke him up.
一天清晨，妈妈去叫还在睡觉的儿子起床。
Wake up, son.
起来，儿子。
It's time to go to school.
去学校的时间到了。
But why? I don't want to go to school.
但是为什么？我不想去学校。
Give me two reasons why you don't want to go to school.
给我两个理由，你为什么不想去学校。
One, all the children hate me.
第一，所有的孩子都恨我。
Two, all the teachers hate me.
第二，所有的老师都恨我。
Oh! That's not a reason.
哦！这不是理由。
Come on, you have to go to school.
来吧，你必须去学校。
Give me two good reasons why I should go to school?
那给我两个为什么我要去学校的理由？
One, you are fiftyt-two years old and should understand your responsibilities.
第一，你都52岁了，应该明白自己的责任。
Two you are the principal of the school.
第二，你是学校的校长。
A Half
一半
Doctor, lately I only hear half as well as I suppose to.
医生，最近我的听力只有我应该听到的一半。
I don't understand that, but let's try a small test.
我不太明白，但是让我们做个小测试。
Say after me: eighty-eight.
跟我说：88。
Forty-four.
44。
A private didn't notice a young lieutenant and failed to salute him. The lieutenant said sternly, "You did not salute me. For this you must immediately salute one hundred times."
Just then the general came up. When he saw the poor private about to begin, he exclaimed, "What's all this?"
The lieutenant explained, "This ignoramus（无知的人） failed to salute me. I'm making his salute one hundred times as a punishment.”
"Quite right," replied the general smiling, "But do not forget, sir, that upon each occasion you are to salute return."
有个士兵没有注意到一个年轻的陆军中尉，没有向他敬礼。中尉很严厉地对那个士兵说：“你没有向我敬礼，因此你要马上敬100个礼。”
这时候将军过来了。他看到那个可怜的士兵就要开始敬礼时，就大声问道：“这是怎么啦？”
中尉解释说：“这个蠢货没有向我敬礼，我就罚他马上向我敬一百个礼。”
将军笑着说：“完全正确。不过，老弟，别忘了他向你每敬一个礼，你都要回礼的啊！”
Sunday School teacher: Hands up all those who want to go to Heaven? Hands up…what about you、Terry? You haven't got your hand up，don’t you want to go to Heaven?
星期日，学校的教员：想去天堂的人举起手来，把手举起来……你呢，哈里？你还没举手呢，你不想去天堂吗？
Terry: I can’t. My Mum told me to go straight home.
哈里：我去不了，因为妈妈让我一放学就回家。
A school report
学校成绩单
The father was reading the school report which had just been handed to him by his hopeful son. His brow was wrathful（愤怒的） as he read,
父亲在看他那满怀希望的儿子带回来的学校成绩单。他边看边露出愤怒的表情：
"English, poor. French, weak. mathematics, fair." and he gave a glance of disgust at the quaking lad（少年，小伙子）。
“英语，差；法语，差；数学，中。”他厌恶地瞥了在发抖的儿子一眼。
"Well, Dad." said the son, "It is not as good as it might be, but have you seen that?" And he pointed to the next line which read, "health, excellent."
“爸爸，”儿子说，“可能成绩不够理想。但您看到那一项了吗？”他指了指下一行：“健康状况，优。”
心不在焉的丈夫
I was accompanying my husband on a business trip. He carried his portable computer with him, and the guard at the airport gate asked him to open the case. It was locked, and the man waited patiently as my embarrassed spouse struggled to remember the combination. At last he succeeded.
我陪丈夫一起出差，他带着他的'笔记本电脑。到了机场出口处时， 有位检查员要他打开包。但是包锁上了，机场工作人员耐心地等着我那窘迫的丈夫设法回想起暗锁的密码。最后他终于想起来了。
“Why are you so nervous?"I asked him.
”你为什么那么紧张呢？“我问他。
"The numbers are the date of our annivorsary．my husband confessed.
“密码是我们的结婚纪念日。”他承认道”
你太晚了 You are too late 幽默笑话
While the doctor was looking over the man, his wife kept fussing（烦躁，发牢骚） andjabbering（快而含糊地说） all the time. The doctor told her: "Your husband must get absolute rest and quiet." Then he left some sleeping pills.
The man's wife asked, "When do I dive them to my husband?" The doctor replied, "No, they are not for him. They are for you. You need them."
有个人生病了。他的妻子请了一位医生来给他治病。
医生在给他治疗的时候，他的妻子一直大惊小怪，神神叨叨地紧张不安。医生对她说：“你的丈夫必须绝对休息和保持安静。” 然后他就留下了一些安 眠药。
她问医生：“什么时候给我丈夫吃这些药呀！”医生回答说：“不用，这些药不是给他吃的，是给你吃的，你需要。”
One day a man came home from work to find total chaos in the house. The kids were laying outside in the mud, still in their pajamas.
When he opened the door, he found an even bigger mess: dishes on the counter, dog food spilled on the floor, a broken glass under the table and a pile of sand by the back door. The family room was strewn with toys, and a lamp had been knocked over.
He headed up the stairs, stepping over toys, to look for his wife. He was becoming worried that she might be ill or that something terrible had happened to her.
He found her in the bedroom still in bed with her pajamas on, reading a magazine.
She looked up at him, smiled and asked how his day had gone.
He looked at her, bewildered（困惑的）， and asked, "What happened here today?"
She again smiled and answered, "You know, every day, you come home from work and ask me what I did today."
"Yes," was his reply.
She answered, "Well, today, I didn't do it!"
一天，一个人下班回到家，发现屋子外面一片狼籍。孩子们还穿着睡衣，满身是泥地躺在外面。
打开房门，他发现屋子里面更乱。橱柜上堆着盘子，地上散落着狗食，桌子下面有一只打碎的玻璃杯，后门旁还有一堆沙子。家庭娱乐室里堆满了玩具，还有一盏灯翻倒在地上。
他迈过散落在楼梯上的玩具，上楼去找他的妻子。他开始担心她生病了或是发生了什么可怕的事情。
他发现她还穿着睡衣躺在床上，在看一本杂志。
她抬头看到他，笑着问他今天过得怎么样。
他看着她，困惑地问：“今天发生什么事情了？”
她笑着问道：“你每天下班回家都会问我今天做什么了。”
“没错啊，”他说。
她说：“是这样的，今天，我没做什么！”
Expensive Price
Dentist: Im sorry, madam, but Ill have to charge you twenty-five dollars for pulling your sons tooth.
Mother: Twenty-five dollars! But I thought you only charged five dollars for an extraction.
Dentist: I usually do. But your son yelled so loud, he scared four other patients out of the office.
昂贵的代价
牙科医生：对不起，夫人，为给您的'儿子拔牙，我得收二十五美元。
母亲：二十五美元！可是我知道您拔一颗牙只要五美元呀？
牙科医生：是的。但是您儿子这么大声地叫唤，他都吓跑四位病人了
The poor husband
"You cant imagine how difficult it is for me to deal with my wife," the man complained to his friend. "She asks me a question, then answers it herself, and after that she explained to me for half an hour why my answer is wrong.
可怜的丈夫
“你根本无法想象和我妻子打交道是多么的难，”一个男人对他的朋友诉苦说，“她问我一个问题，然后自己回答了，过后又花半个小时跟我解释为什么我的`答案是错的。”Where is the father?
While the doctor was looking over the man, his wife kept fussing(烦躁，发牢骚) andjabbering(快而含糊地说) all the time. The doctor told her: "Your husband must get absolute rest and quiet." Then he left some sleeping pills.
The mans wife asked, "When do I dive them to my husband?" The doctor replied, "No, they are not for him. They are for you. You need them."
有个人生病了。他的妻子请了一位医生来给他治病。
医生在给他治疗的时候，他的妻子一直大惊小怪，神神叨叨地紧张不安。医生对她说：“你的丈夫必须绝对休息和保持安静。” 然后他就留下了一些。
她问医生：“什么时候给我丈夫吃这些药呀！”医生回答说：“不用，这些药不是给他吃的，是给你吃的，你需要。”
A Sunday school teacher was telling her pupils the importance of making others glad. Now, children, said she, has anyone of you ever made someone else glad?
Please, teacher, said a small boy, I've made someone glad yesterday.
Well done. Who was that?
My granny.
Good boy. Now tell us how you made your grand mother glad.
Please, teacher, I went to see her yesterday, and stayed with her three hours. Then I said to her, ‘Granny, I'm going home,’ and she said, ‘Well, I'm glad’！
一个主日学校的老师正在对学生讲使别人高兴的重要性。现在，孩子们，她说：你们当中有谁让别人高兴过？
我，老师，一个小男孩说：昨天我就使别人高兴过。
做得好，是谁呢？
我奶奶。
好孩子，现在告诉我们，你是怎样使你奶奶高兴的。
是这样的，老师。我昨天去看她，在她那儿呆了三个小时。然后我跟她说：‘奶奶，我要回家了。’她说：‘啊，我很高兴！’
Clever Bobby
聪明的博比
Brown was very proud of his young son. Once he was talking to a visitor, telling the man how clever his son was.
布朗非常欣赏他的小儿子。一次他和一位客人聊他的儿子有多聪明。 布朗说：“他只有两岁，就认识所有的动物了。他长大一定会是一个出色的自然学家。来，我让你看看。”
"The boy is only two years old," he said, "and knows all animals. Hes going to be a great naturalist. Here, let me show you."
布朗说：“他只有两岁，就认识所有的动物了。他长大一定会是一个出色的。自然学家。来，我让你看看。”
He took a book of natural history from the bookshelf, placed Bobby on his knee, opened the book and showed him a picture of a giraffe(长颈鹿).
他从书架上拿下一本自然书，把博比抱到膝上，打开书。指着一张长颈鹿的画片。
"Whats that, Bobby?"
“博比，这是什么？”
"Horsey," said Bobby. Next of a tiger was shown, and Bobby said, "Pussy." Then Brown showed Bobby a picture of lion, and Bobby said, "Doggy." And when a picture of a chimpanzee was shown, Bobby said, "Daddy!"
“马马，”博比回答。 他又指了一张老虎的画片，博比回答说：“猫咪。” 然后布朗又指了一张狮子的画片，博比说：“狗狗。” 他又指了一张黑猩猩的画片，博比说：“爸爸！”
视力训练
the squad were having "visual training". one smart recruit was asked by the officer to count how many men composed a digging party in a distant field. the party was so faraway that the men appeared as mere dots, but unhesitatingly the recruit replied：
班里正在进行“视力训练”。一个聪明伶俐的新兵被班长叫出来数远处旷野上采掘队的人数。采掘队在很远的。地方，那些人看起来只是一些小点儿。但是这个新兵毫不犹豫地回答。
"sixteen men and a sergeant , sir."
“十六个兵外加一个中士，长官。”
"right, but how do you know theres a sergeant there?"
“正确，可是你怎么知道那儿有一个中士？”
"hes not doing any digging, sir."
“他不干活，长官。”
Three Surgeons
Three famous surgeons were bragging about their skills. "A man came to me who had his hand cut off," said one. "Today that man is a concert violinist."
"Thats nothing," said another. "A guy came to me who had his legs cut off. I stitched them back on, and today that man is a marathon runner."
"I can top both of you," said the third. "One day I came on the scene of a terrible accident. There was nothing left but a horses posterior - and a pair of glasses. Today that man is seated in United States Senate."
三个外科医生
三个有名的外科医生正在吹嘘他们的技术。“一个人断了一只手，他来找我，”一个说，“如今那个人是个音乐会的'小提琴手。”
“这算不了什么，”另一个说。“一个家伙两条腿断了，他来找我，我将它们接了回去。如今，那人是马拉松选手。”
“我比你们两个都强，”第三个说，“一天，我碰到一起可怕的车祸。除了一个马屁股，和一幅眼睛，什么都没有留下。如今，那人坐在美国参议院里。”
“I just saw you on TV ."（我刚刚看到你上电视了。）
"Oh,my god, what channel ?"(哦，天呐，什么频道？）
“Animal World."（动物世界。）
一 Can we have our teacher back？
Once a superintendent of schools was visiting a three-room school. One room was very noisy, so the man grabbed a tall boy who had been standing up talking. He took the boy into another room and stood him in the corner. Five minutes later, a smalll boy came out of the first room and said, "When can we have our teacher back?"
能让我们的'老师回去吗？
有一次，一位督学去视察一个只有三间教室的学校。一间教室非常吵闹，因此督学抓住其中一个正在站着说话的人，把他带进另一间教室，并让他站在墙角。五分钟以后，一个小男孩从第一间教室走进来，问道，“您什么时候能让我们的老师回去呢？”
Wife's Begging
妻子的祈求
Two men were talking at the break-room.
两位男士正在休息室淡论着。
One was telling the other about a fight he had had with his wife.
一位对另一位说起他与妻子的一场争斗。
"In the end" he said, "I had her begging on her knees."
他说：“最后，我迫使她跪下来求我。”
"What did she say?" asked the coworker.
“她怎么求你的？”另一位很好奇。
"She told me to come out from under the bed."
“她求我快点从床下爬出来。”
Mrs. Brown: Oh, my dear, I have lost my precious little dog!Mrs. Smith: But you must put an advertisement in the papers!
Mrs. Brown: Its no use, my little dog cant read.
布朗夫人：哦，
亲爱的，我把珍爱的小狗给丢了！
史密斯夫人：可是你该在报纸上登广告啊！
布朗夫人：没有用的，我的小狗不认识字。”
律师和胳膊、宝马
A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.
"Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeemer!!!", he whined.
"You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!" retorted the officer, "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!"
翻译： 一个律师打开他的宝马车门，突然一辆汽车驶过来把门撞飞了，警察赶到现场，律师正痛苦地抱怨毁坏了他心爱的宝马。
“警察同志，看看他们把我的车弄的！”律师哀怨地说。
“你们律师真是物质至上，我很不舒服！”警察反驳说，“你这么关心你可恶的宝马，你可能没有注意到你的左胳膊也没了。”
律师终于注意到了血淋淋的左肩膀，“天哪，我的劳力士手表在哪儿？”
Does the dog know the proverb, too?
The little boy did not like the look of the barking dog.
"Its all right," said a gentleman, "dont be afraid. Dont you know the proverb: Barking dogs dont bite?"
"Ah, yes," answered the little boy. "I know the proverb, but does the dog know the proverb, too?"
狗也知道这个谚语吗？
一个小男孩非常不喜欢狗狂叫的样子。
“没有关系，”一位先生说，“不用害怕，你知道这条谚语吗：‘吠狗不咬人。’”
“啊，我是知道，可是狗也知道吗？”
When we decided to sell our house, we nailed "FOR SALE BY OWNER" signs on two trees in our front yard. Before long，the doorbell rang.”How much are you asking for the treesp"a young man asked.
我们决定卖掉我们的房子。于是，我们就在院前的大树上钉了两块牌子，上面写着：“拍卖。”没过多久，我们的门铃就响了。一位年轻人问：“你们的树想卖多少钱？”
The Fish Net
Can you tell me what fish net is made, Ann?
A lot of little holes tied together with strings. replied the little girl.
翻译：鱼网
你能告诉我鱼网是什么做的吗，安？ 老师发问道。
把许多小孔用绳子栓在一起就成了鱼网了。 小女孩回答道。
吝啬鬼的餐会
The notorious cheap skate finally decided to have a party. Explaining to a friend how to find his apartment, he said, "Come up to the fifth floor and ring the doorbell with your elbow. When the door open, push with your foot."
"Why use my elbow and foot?"
"Well, gosh," was the reply, "Youre not coming empty-handed, are you?"
一个声名狼藉的'小气鬼终于决定要请一次客了。他在向一个朋友解释怎么找到他家时说：“你上到五楼，用你的胳膊肘按门铃。门开了后，再用你的脚把门推开。”
“为什么我要用我的肘和脚呢？”
“天哪！” 吝啬鬼回答，“你总不会空着手来吧？”
Some friends and I stopped at an ice-cream parlor.where I asked for my favorite，a hot-fudge sundae with chocolate ice cream. But when the waitress brought our orders，I saw that mine had vanilla ice cream. " I ordered chocolate,"I pointed out.
我和一位朋友来到一家冰淇琳店。我要了一个我最喜欢吃的巧克力奶油圣代。当女招待送来我的冰淇淋时，我发现我的冰淇沐是香草的。我说：“我要的是巧克力的。”
The young woman consulted her order pad and responded，"So you did. I'll take it back and get chocolate."
那位年轻的女士查了一下订单回答说：“你确实要的是巧克力的。我把它拿回去，再给你拿一个巧克力的。”
“Never mind，”I said.”I don't like to see anything wasted."
“没关系，”我说：“我不想浪费东西。”
"Nothing is wasted around here!"she insisted.“We eat our mistakes. "
“这儿什么也浪费不了，”女招待坚持说：“我们吃掉自己的错误。”